Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows.
Unknown  (via wryer)

(via lindseyborgna)

Seems like lately, I can’t stop thinking back on the past. I keep remembering glimpses of how it was when all of this started. I remember the joy and the happiness. I remember feeling like the luckiest girl in the world, feeling like together, we could take on the world and not look back.

And then I think of where things are now. I barely get to talk to you. I want so badly to just be home with you. Maybe out to breakfast at a cute diner I never knew existed. Maybe spending time with your family on a warm summer day. Or maybe even just walking into work with a huge smile on my face because I knew that you were there too and no matter what happened that night, you’d be there with me to make everything better.

You keep asking to talk on the phone. I know your getting discouraged. I know you’re having a hard time of it. But the truth is, I’m scared. I’m scared that if I have to hear your voice or see your face, that it will hurt so much more to know I can’t be right by your side.

I desire more than anything to rewind the clock. To go back a couple of months. We were perfect for each other. And I think we still can be. I think we’re getting caught up in the details, in the legalities of it all. Maybe instead of stressing out over how complex and difficult this place is, we need to take a step back and make it simple…

I love you. I want to be with you. I don’t care what other challenges there are. I don’t care what the road ahead looks like. All I want is to enjoy each day being able to be with you. Seems simple enough to me.

It feels like I lost a part of myself. A rather large part of myself. The memories, the fresh ideas, the things that I would love to tell you… And then I remember that I can’t. It hurts. I don’t know how to move forward alone. For over 10 months you were my world. And now… I’m lost and alone. Every time my phone vibrates I still have that flash of hope that it’s from you. And then I scold myself for being so foolish. It all just hurts.


This week has been absolutely incredible. As I sit in the lounge curled up in my favorite chair, I can’t help but to relax and think of all the incredible things that have happened in just one short week, of all the blessings that my glorious God has granted me.

The whole idea of college was terrifying. I was so ready to start this next chapter in my life. But when it came to taking that courageous step into the unknown, my knees were weak. What scared me most of all was friends. I was terrified that I would never be able to find a good group of people that I could trust, that I could be close to and enjoy being with.

In high school, I had my core group. I had those people that I could trust my life with. Those people that could make me laugh no matter what, that would listen to me and offer me much needed advice and wisdom. My friends from high school were so wonderful and I am so grateful for the impact that they had in my life. Needless to say, I was terrified. Terrified that when I closed that full, crazy chapter titled “High School,” that those beautiful friendships would close with it. Terrified that I would be left alone to learn all about the ups and downs of college and how to survive through it all.

The very first night of college was a big ice-cream social. I stood there somewhat awkwardly with my roommate, surrounded by hundreds of freshmen. We were all in the same boat. Nobody really knew anybody. Eventually we made our way over to a group of people from our floor. In that moment I made a decision. In high school I had started out shy and nervous, frightened of what others thought of me, terrified and intimidated by everybody. The next four years I fought so hard to break out of that shyness. I fought to be bold, to be fun, to be someone that people would want to spend time with. Standing in the midst of hundreds of people I had never met before, I decided to be that person. To not care what people thought of me. To just enjoy where I was at and everything going on around me. I was even so bold as to run up to a group and dance around wildly, just to earn a dollar. And that was the beginning of it all. That first night set the stage for a new family.

I live on 5 south of Ryle Hall. This floor has become such a tight family. We eagerly ran around Truman week, chanting for Ryle Hall and even louder, chanting for Southside. This first week has been a wild ride. Between the classes, the activities, the crazy nights staying up till 5am in the lounge, watching movies and making dinners, going to mass Sunday morning, going canoeing and swimming for a class…. I barely have time to breathe. And certainly no time to sleep. These people truly are a family. I can have a conversation about the differences between Catholicism and Non-Denominational. I can cuddle up on the floor with Jessica, Katie, Julie, and Mellissa watching movies in “lounge #2.” I can make runs to la pachango and Wal-Mart with my suitemates. I can attempt to swallow the absolutely awful cupcakes that someone attempted to make. I can devise devious plans to start the civil war between the North and South side. I can have conversations with my suitemates about the awkward situations that happen and how the heck to deal with them…

I have cherished every moment with these people. It’s been only a week but it feels like a lifetime. I can trust these people. I dearly miss all of my high school friends. But now I know that everything is going to be okay. I know that while I’m here, I won’t be alone. God has truly answered my prayers. My biggest prayer, the thing I was most anxious about, was answered perfectly. And now I am so excited to see where else this crazy adventure called “College” is going to take me.

I just miss you….


so true :) PSALM 37:4


so true :) PSALM 37:4

(via buddypalswag)

Next Step

I remember walking into Christian High School the very first day of freshman year. I was so unbelievably terrified. I didn’t know a single person and I just watched as friends greeted each other. I was surrounded by a buzz of chatter and laughter. For all of freshman year I was so shy. I was still socially awkward and didnt have the first clue about how to make friends. It didnt help that nearly everyone intimidated me.

The years flew by. At CHS I learned more than just the academics I studied so carefully. I also learned how to speak up, show the world who I am as an individual. I found myself at that school. But I don’t think first impressions are easily forgotten. I still am trapped in this box that I put myself in during freshman year, with little room for expansion.

At CHS, I learned who I am. I learned that friends and activities don’t define me. I had some amazing memories and I will always cherish the friendships that I had. But tomorrow, I get to walk across that stage and accept my diploma. After, I will leave that dear place for good and with it, I intend to leave my insecurities, my fears that I can’t fit in, that I’m not good enough or maybe even too good. Leaving that school tomorrow, I’m leaving behind that shy girl that walked in freshman year practically shaking with fear.

In August I get to start fresh with a blank canvas. I get to be who I want to be. I’m so looking forward to taking a step out in confidence. It will be so incredible to start fresh. No one will remember that shy girl that hardly said a word. No one will have anything to judge except what I have to offer starting right now.

All that being said, I have loved my time at Christian High. It helped me to grow both as a person and as a Christian. But my time there is done and I can’t stay a minute longer. It’s time for me to take the next step, to move forward with confidence in who I am in Christ.